number fourteen

does anyone believe.

well, no that's a dumb question.

i feel kind of stupid. for saying it.

you ever feel like. maybe. you've met someone you could possibly love?

like not even silly love. like. love.

here i am. seventeen. talking about love. i mean, is that even possible?

in my defense, i am almost eighteen. but. STILL.








it just seems. silly. i don't know.






like it's too good to be true.

like i'm going to end up like one of those sad, pitiful girls who thought they were in love. because i've seen them at their low points.

and it's almost disgusting.







i've known him since june. the end of june. and i've only been in the same state as him for a week. technically a week and a couple of days.

sound like a stupid love story?

pretty much.


it's so impractical. so incredibly impractical. so incredibly ridiculous.

there are so many things wrong with it. so, so unlikely. so many holes.




i haven't told this story for a long time. so allow me the pleasure of relating my love saga to you. it's really kind of. amazing.




june 2007

my family (my dad, my mom, my brother, me, my aunt, my uncle, my two cousins, and my grandparents) all go to a guest ranch every summer for a week. most amazing place in the ENTIRE world. it's. omg. there just are no words. i love it there. just. incredible.

anyways. i met him... i suppose on the second day we were there. monday. he worked there over the summer and his roommates at the ranch were in charge of the teen program. which is not lame, btw. so he hung out with the teens a lot. played games with us.

the square dance was on tuesday. which is also NOT LAME. trust me, anything you do with 30+ very good looking college-age boys is NOT lame. and. we danced togetherrrr twice i believe. there's this part in the square dance when you're supposed to hug your partner. don't ask. it's just. you just do it. don't ask. ONCE AGAIN. don't question it. you are with extremely attractive college guys. accept it. anyways, so you turn to your partner and hug them. and so. we hugged. many times. lol. twas nice. anyways one of the times. his arms did something weird. they didn't just drop off me. they kind of slid off. like they took as much time touching my waist as they could. squee.

the next day was the teen morning ride. and lo and behold who happens to show up? yes. on his day off too, bless his heart. we chatted on and off all day. i remember distinctly we talked about that song that you sing when you're little.

"down by the bay. when the watermelon grows. that's where i go. somethingsomething. down to my home. for something. my mother would say have you ever seen a whale with a polka dotted tail? DOWN BY THE BAY."

anyways.

i just felt. like myself when i was with him, you know? and that's a big deal for me. since. i just. i'm never like that ever with guys. i'm always nervous and i tend to hide myself within the person who i think they want to see. which is a flaw of mine. i admit. i'm getting better about it. but. i was able to call out to him and talk with him without feeling stupid or uncomfortable. for those of you who know me, it's just a big deal.

the last day, saturday, we happened to be at the pool at the same time. him with his ranch buds playing water football (... boys) and me with my friends i made. somehow. i'm not exactly sure how. we both kind of migrated to the same side of the pool. his legs were dangling in the water. i was still in the pool, pulled up on the side. and we just talked. i don't even remember what about. but those are the best conversations, aren't they?

i was able to be bold with him. i was able to flirt. i was able to make him smile. i was able to make him want to talk to me.

that's a first in my book.

and i would catch him. glancing at me. every now and then. we didn't sit at the same table for dinner the last night (we were both sad), but i caught him looking at me from the table across from us. we held eye contact for a couple seconds. and went back to our dinners. i knew he was still watching.

the very last night. on saturday. we winded up in a room alone together. and. we talked. or. rather, he talked. he told me things that he hadn't told very many people, if any. he told me things that he didn't want to tell anyone else. he talked about some really personal things that i don't care to reveal. but. i knew after that. we were something more than we had been before. even individually. i know somehow that conversation's changed me and i'm not even sure how. i just know it has.

we've been emailing. since then. since june. since june 23rd. almost five months.

five months.

i have not seen him in five months.

he's called me a couple times. we talk about nonsense. but god.



it is so good to hear his voice again.




it's like. it's something very solid. i almost feel like i can touch his voice. which i'm sure doesn't make any sense. but. it's extraordinarly comforting. having him on the other side of the line.

i flew up to colorado last weekend. to his college campus actually. which is one of my top schools.

not because of him. he had some influence over my beginning interest in the school. but. i'm not going to go to a school because of a boy. i am not that girl.

i'd mentioned several times that i was coming to visit. and. he seemed to ignore them. i don't know whether he read those parts of the email. i just don't know. but. he hadn't said anything about me coming to visit so i didn't call him when i was there.

he called me the day i got back. saying he was sorry and he felt stupid and. things. etc. that he had just gotten my email telling him i was going to be in town that weekend. i shoud have called him, but it was his fault. etc, etc.

i was so torn. between being mad. and being thankful.

since then (about two/three weeks ago) his emails have been. longer and more personal. he's mentioned me calling him when i get back to colorado at least three times now. i got a really sweet email from him the other day, which is what inspired me to write this blog in the first place.

so. we are at an odd point. we always will be. until i go to college.













but. i just want you to realize here with me the impossiblities here:

-he is in college; i'm in high school.
-he's in colorado; i'm in texas
-he's 21 (oh right btw); i'm almost 18
-mention he's in colorado and i'm still in texas?
-we haven't seen each other in five months and probably won't until next june






that's not one impossiblity. that's four.

four very large, very real impossibilities.










but. on the other hand. can you imagine with me the faerie tale possiblity.

-we met at my favorite place in the entire world
-we clicked practically immediately
-we've had conversations about things that i only talk about with my best friend
-when we see each other again, it'll have been probably a year. a year dealing with this possiblity. a year
-i'm still in high school
-he's incredible
-we would make possibly the most beautiful children in the entire world
-he is incredibly, really, really attractive. like. wow.
-he's one of the only guys i've met that i can be myself around
-he's able to tell me things. lots of things.
-we have like. ridiculously similar ideas about faith. which. is really amazing.





i can go on.
but i won't.






anyways. so.

that. is. that.



i need to do homework.


and things.








i hate having high hopes.













it just makes falling so much harder.




(but i want to hope so badly)