today is halloween.
just in case you were wondering.
but i need to post a series of poems about a relationship between me and someone. relationship as in friendship but something a lot more complicated.
i think.
i really don't know.
anyways.
enjoy.
they were written over a two or three month course.
The Beginning
And so he sat.
His shoulders
hunched.
His voice was still.
As if the wind
had ceased tearing
through his branches.
I waited. Patiently.
As if words would
destroy us.
With each breath
came an untold…
Silence wrapped us
in a blanket,
smothering everything
that existed elsewhere.
She forbade Time
to move forward.
His words, which had
suffered for so long
under his tongue,
now floated above
our heads openly.
I had watched them
rip at his soul.
Sense (or was it Fear?)
restrained my fingers
from touching his.
My tongue floundered
helplessly. So I listened.
Silence plucked his words
from the air and, with
her gentle fingertips,
pressed them against
his wounds. They bled.
And I knew he was alive.
In Between the Spaces
You are alive all around me
wrapped snuggly around my wrist
breathing horse sweat and leather.
I could fall in love with you.
And we would be epic.
I will unfold your arms
and open your chest
and watch your heart beat.
You will turn your face
from mine in shame and fear—
ashamed of the dark, ugly
crevices of your insides
and afraid that someone
would want to reach her fingers
and brush your living heart.
But the shadowed corners
that you hide from the world
gleam beautiful.
And you don’t always see it—
you’re afraid to
face the darkness.
But I will touch your heart
and breathe its pulse.
Lift your eyes to mine
and delve with me
into your shadows
and we will find your light.
We may sink at first—
drown in our own essence.
But I will grasp your hand
because you hold my heart.
And we will be.
Reeling
I would give you everything.
Sometimes I think I already have
because I need you here.
But I am angry at you
and I might hate you
at the moment because
I don’t know what you want.
And I hate that
I can’t find the words
to explain how you make
my head hurt and
my heart skip and
my eyes tear and
my nose crinkle and
my toes tap and
my heart break.
I hope you feel as
fucked up as I do
and wonder what’s
going to happen to us.
I hope I make your
mind pound
stomach flip
fingers tingle
mouth twitch
palms clammy
brows furrow
hands yearn
and heart break.
I hope I make you miserable
and I hope you suffer.
And I hope when you see me
your jaw slackens
and your breath stops.
I hope you realize
what you’ve been missing
and you discover what
I already know—
We are epic and we exist
on that distant horizon.
But I need to know.
Don’t light my hope
unless you want it to burn.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
number ten
i am absolutely astounded at how infuriating boys can be.
i thought i had a pretty good idea.
but apparently i was wrong.
i was in colorado this weekend. visiting colleges.
let me rant about that for a few minutes.
friday i visited colorado state.
it was absolutely GORGEOUS.
the trees were all turning yellow and red for the fall.
just. stunning. i was so obsessed with them.
i had an admissions speel which was you know. fun.
lol. i hate those things.
and then i went on a tour. which was funnn.
i love tours.
the weather was SO like amazing.
it was about 50 degrees, but the sun was shining so it was really, really nice. i loved ittt.
the campus is also FANTASTIC. omg. it's amazing.
it was a nice mix of nature and buildings. there were trees everywhere, you could see the mountains from certain parts of the campus. the buildings were pretty.
and my dad and i were on campus for the most part of the day. and by the end of the day, i could tell where a lot of the stuff was. which is pretty awesome.
because there are about 25,000 kids there. 21,000 undergrad and 4,000 grad students. and for a fairly big campus it just didn't seem that big, you know? which was really awesome.
and thennn i had a meeting with a lady in the psych department. that was interesting. their psych program is pretty intense. it's really based a lot on science. which is fine with me. i actually love science. yes. nerd. lol.
so anyways yes. lol.
and then i had a meeting with the Honors Program director. which was fun also i suppose. i have a pretty good chance of getting in i think.
and theeeen. well we kind of wandered around.
and then we went home.
saturday we got up early and drove into colorado springs (we were staying just half an hour from fort collins which is where CSU is) to visit colorado college.
or THE colorado college.
anyways.
it was FREEEEZING. it must have been in the 40s, but there was no sun. and it was cloudy and windy.
we had an admissions speel (again) and i swear to god the lady said "colorado college" 37 times within the last 20 minutes of the speel. i am not making that up. i counted.
so i was like "pretentious, are we?"
that was a turn off.
but anyways then i had an interview.
and i don't really know why people make such big deals about them. it was a lot of fun. i just kind of talked a lot about what i do. lol.
and thennnn i went on a campus tour.
our tour guy was cute. lol.
a mix between justin bartha and ian somerhalder.
vair nice. lol.
and he totally had a thing for me too. it was fantastic. he was so cutely awkward.
anyways. i loved the campus. it was gorgeous. the weather was hell. but. meh.
so. here. i need to make my list of pros and cons.
CSU
pros
-big
-gorgeous campus
-honors program
-felt at pretty good there
-nice students
-pretty awesome academics
-lots of sports to make a great atmosphere
-ft. collins is AMAZING
-very down to earth
-real-world
-slightly more rural and less hustling around
-work on multiple subjects at a time
cons
-big (it's a pro and con)
-party scene?
-too competetive? (their honors program can probably get really competitive. though i hope not)
colorado college
pros
-small intimate classes (capped at 25 students)
-block system (3.5 weeks on one subject with a total of 8 blocks per year)
-ability for field study
-liberal arts
-substance free dorms (it's actually really important to me)
-on-campus living (i love on-campus living lol)
-creative writing, psych, classic classes
-not far from things that are outdoors
-can take several courses and then decide whether you like them within those 3.5 weeks rather than an entire semester
-concentrate on only one subject
cons
-block system
-too small?
-hard to transfer from CC to grad school
-hard to transfer from high school to CC
-too self-important and pretentious
-academic obsessive-ness/life-controlling-ness
-expensive
-bored of only one class
-not getting full feel of subject in just one month
-colorado springs isn't as awesome as fort collins
so. that is my list.
i think i like CSU better.
my dad didn't like CC at all lol.
anyways okay. so onto more important things.
boys.
so. i was waiting for paul to call or email me. for the past week.
i'd mentioned that i was coming to CSU at least like four times.
and each time, he hadn't replied to that part of the email.
and i was like "well. okay. i can take a hint."
so i sent him an email on like sunday, telling him that i was going to be on campus on friday. and he should call me.
blahblah.
anyways, i wasn't really surprised that he didn't call or email or whatever. and i was preparing myself for it.
so blah. i get back to dallas.
sad.
and i'm sitting at my desk, minding my OWN business.
when my phone rings.
annnnd it's paul.
laura's brain: WTFMAN.
so. he's all like "bah i just got your emaiiil! i feel really stupid now. i'm sorry i didn't call" blah etc, etc.
laura's brain: WTFMAN.
and. stuff.
and he was like "well. i mean. when are you going to the ranch?"
and so he decided that he'd definitely come see me this summer at the ranch.
which is only, oh, eight months away.
bleh. but i was like "well. i guess i might have to go back up to colorado before i make my choice about college..."
so. i don't know. BOYS. ARE. SO. INFURIATING.
anyways. there's a second part to this story.
i was sitting on the plane this morning (at an UNGODLY hour, might i add) and there was this empty seat next to me.
and i was like "dear god. if you love me. please send me a cute boy. who will sit next to me. the end."
and. there must be SOME god up there. because walking down the aisle comes this really cute guy. and he sits down next to me.
i mean well actually there was this whole argument about who was going to sit where. and at first this big old guy was like "i'll sit in 32D."
and i was like "BAHNOTALLOWED."
(DOESNOTWANT!)
and so finally this cute guy sits down.
and it's kind of. awkward. at first.
because.
he's cute.
i'm cute (bahahaha)
anyways. and so. finally i (yes, ME) started the conversation.
and it kind of just flew off from there.
he's from a suburb of where i live (frisco for all of you people who know me)
and plays football. receiver. very nice. finally not falling for a quarterback.
he's a senior out in frisco and we actually had a LOT in common.
it was crazy.
we talked most of the flight.
it was funnnn.
he was really cute and really sweet.
we exchanged AIM after the flight and i've yet to hear from him.
but. he's a boy.
so. not expecting anything really soon. lol.
anyways. so. yes. that was pretty awesome.
hopefully we can stay in contact.
and do stuff.
because he was pretty awesome.
so.
that has been my weekend.
a little action packed.
i've written most of my college essays.
the only ones that are left are the really boring ones.
"why do you want to attend so and so college?"
i mean. eww.
couldn't they think of BETTER questions?
trinity's questions are AWESOME. i love them.
"pick a fictional character to be your freshman roommate and explain why you chose him/her/it."
"how would you introduce yourself to your new roommmate in an email?"
"besides the obvious, what three things will you bring with you to college and why?"
AWESOMEEE.
so i finished trinity's application.
and CSU's.
and A&M's.
and i finished the common application. so.
PWND.
i just have to do rice and colorado college's suppliment questions.
which, as i've said are boring. and icky.
anyways. that's what i'm going to work on now.
so.
fartheewell.
boys are dumb.
the end.
OH.
AND CARRIE UNDERWOOD'S CD IS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVERRR.
omggggg GO BUY IT.
NOWWWWWWW.
NOW.
"the more men i meet
the more i love my dog."
i thought i had a pretty good idea.
but apparently i was wrong.
i was in colorado this weekend. visiting colleges.
let me rant about that for a few minutes.
friday i visited colorado state.
it was absolutely GORGEOUS.
the trees were all turning yellow and red for the fall.
just. stunning. i was so obsessed with them.
i had an admissions speel which was you know. fun.
lol. i hate those things.
and then i went on a tour. which was funnn.
i love tours.
the weather was SO like amazing.
it was about 50 degrees, but the sun was shining so it was really, really nice. i loved ittt.
the campus is also FANTASTIC. omg. it's amazing.
it was a nice mix of nature and buildings. there were trees everywhere, you could see the mountains from certain parts of the campus. the buildings were pretty.
and my dad and i were on campus for the most part of the day. and by the end of the day, i could tell where a lot of the stuff was. which is pretty awesome.
because there are about 25,000 kids there. 21,000 undergrad and 4,000 grad students. and for a fairly big campus it just didn't seem that big, you know? which was really awesome.
and thennn i had a meeting with a lady in the psych department. that was interesting. their psych program is pretty intense. it's really based a lot on science. which is fine with me. i actually love science. yes. nerd. lol.
so anyways yes. lol.
and then i had a meeting with the Honors Program director. which was fun also i suppose. i have a pretty good chance of getting in i think.
and theeeen. well we kind of wandered around.
and then we went home.
saturday we got up early and drove into colorado springs (we were staying just half an hour from fort collins which is where CSU is) to visit colorado college.
or THE colorado college.
anyways.
it was FREEEEZING. it must have been in the 40s, but there was no sun. and it was cloudy and windy.
we had an admissions speel (again) and i swear to god the lady said "colorado college" 37 times within the last 20 minutes of the speel. i am not making that up. i counted.
so i was like "pretentious, are we?"
that was a turn off.
but anyways then i had an interview.
and i don't really know why people make such big deals about them. it was a lot of fun. i just kind of talked a lot about what i do. lol.
and thennnn i went on a campus tour.
our tour guy was cute. lol.
a mix between justin bartha and ian somerhalder.
vair nice. lol.
and he totally had a thing for me too. it was fantastic. he was so cutely awkward.
anyways. i loved the campus. it was gorgeous. the weather was hell. but. meh.
so. here. i need to make my list of pros and cons.
CSU
pros
-big
-gorgeous campus
-honors program
-felt at pretty good there
-nice students
-pretty awesome academics
-lots of sports to make a great atmosphere
-ft. collins is AMAZING
-very down to earth
-real-world
-slightly more rural and less hustling around
-work on multiple subjects at a time
cons
-big (it's a pro and con)
-party scene?
-too competetive? (their honors program can probably get really competitive. though i hope not)
colorado college
pros
-small intimate classes (capped at 25 students)
-block system (3.5 weeks on one subject with a total of 8 blocks per year)
-ability for field study
-liberal arts
-substance free dorms (it's actually really important to me)
-on-campus living (i love on-campus living lol)
-creative writing, psych, classic classes
-not far from things that are outdoors
-can take several courses and then decide whether you like them within those 3.5 weeks rather than an entire semester
-concentrate on only one subject
cons
-block system
-too small?
-hard to transfer from CC to grad school
-hard to transfer from high school to CC
-too self-important and pretentious
-academic obsessive-ness/life-controlling-ness
-expensive
-bored of only one class
-not getting full feel of subject in just one month
-colorado springs isn't as awesome as fort collins
so. that is my list.
i think i like CSU better.
my dad didn't like CC at all lol.
anyways okay. so onto more important things.
boys.
so. i was waiting for paul to call or email me. for the past week.
i'd mentioned that i was coming to CSU at least like four times.
and each time, he hadn't replied to that part of the email.
and i was like "well. okay. i can take a hint."
so i sent him an email on like sunday, telling him that i was going to be on campus on friday. and he should call me.
blahblah.
anyways, i wasn't really surprised that he didn't call or email or whatever. and i was preparing myself for it.
so blah. i get back to dallas.
sad.
and i'm sitting at my desk, minding my OWN business.
when my phone rings.
annnnd it's paul.
laura's brain: WTFMAN.
so. he's all like "bah i just got your emaiiil! i feel really stupid now. i'm sorry i didn't call" blah etc, etc.
laura's brain: WTFMAN.
and. stuff.
and he was like "well. i mean. when are you going to the ranch?"
and so he decided that he'd definitely come see me this summer at the ranch.
which is only, oh, eight months away.
bleh. but i was like "well. i guess i might have to go back up to colorado before i make my choice about college..."
so. i don't know. BOYS. ARE. SO. INFURIATING.
anyways. there's a second part to this story.
i was sitting on the plane this morning (at an UNGODLY hour, might i add) and there was this empty seat next to me.
and i was like "dear god. if you love me. please send me a cute boy. who will sit next to me. the end."
and. there must be SOME god up there. because walking down the aisle comes this really cute guy. and he sits down next to me.
i mean well actually there was this whole argument about who was going to sit where. and at first this big old guy was like "i'll sit in 32D."
and i was like "BAHNOTALLOWED."
(DOESNOTWANT!)
and so finally this cute guy sits down.
and it's kind of. awkward. at first.
because.
he's cute.
i'm cute (bahahaha)
anyways. and so. finally i (yes, ME) started the conversation.
and it kind of just flew off from there.
he's from a suburb of where i live (frisco for all of you people who know me)
and plays football. receiver. very nice. finally not falling for a quarterback.
he's a senior out in frisco and we actually had a LOT in common.
it was crazy.
we talked most of the flight.
it was funnnn.
he was really cute and really sweet.
we exchanged AIM after the flight and i've yet to hear from him.
but. he's a boy.
so. not expecting anything really soon. lol.
anyways. so. yes. that was pretty awesome.
hopefully we can stay in contact.
and do stuff.
because he was pretty awesome.
so.
that has been my weekend.
a little action packed.
i've written most of my college essays.
the only ones that are left are the really boring ones.
"why do you want to attend so and so college?"
i mean. eww.
couldn't they think of BETTER questions?
trinity's questions are AWESOME. i love them.
"pick a fictional character to be your freshman roommate and explain why you chose him/her/it."
"how would you introduce yourself to your new roommmate in an email?"
"besides the obvious, what three things will you bring with you to college and why?"
AWESOMEEE.
so i finished trinity's application.
and CSU's.
and A&M's.
and i finished the common application. so.
PWND.
i just have to do rice and colorado college's suppliment questions.
which, as i've said are boring. and icky.
anyways. that's what i'm going to work on now.
so.
fartheewell.
boys are dumb.
the end.
OH.
AND CARRIE UNDERWOOD'S CD IS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVERRR.
omggggg GO BUY IT.
NOWWWWWWW.
NOW.
"the more men i meet
the more i love my dog."
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
number nine
should be doing english.
but i thought i'd post a poem i just wrote.
for creative writing.
the prompt was "write a poem bragging about yourself"
i had fun with this one. lol.
I am
Let me tell you something.
I
am
fantastic.
I am brilliant. Clever too.
I breathe Athena's exhale
like common oxygen.
And I can take words and
make them into something
beautiful, like stained glas.
I create characters like
God creates children.
They swim around aimlessly
in my stream of consciousness
until I pluck them out
and sculpt them.
I give them voices, habits,
ideas, dreams, feelings,
freckled shoulders,
crooked noses,
fat wrists, long toes,
blue-golden speckled eyes.
And they live inside me
waiting to be spilt so
brilliantly onto the page.
I am beautiful. Infinitely.
The angels cut locks of
their own hair to weave
onto my blessed head.
God took a bit of that
Colorado sky and put
it right into my eyes.
And I have curves.
And I love them.
I love my waist
and my breasts
and my hips.
I love my stomach
and my ass.
I love my small wrists
and slender neck
and regal collarbones.
I am compassionate. Too much.
I cry for problems that aren't mine.
My arms ache to hold
everyone who has a story.
I know what to say
and when to say it.
Strangers have ripped their souls
open for me when I've listened.
All for me and no one else.
I care for everyone
and anyone.
And sometimes my heart aches
with the weight of it all.
I am a good kid.
I know my place in my house
and I keep to it.
Unless they are wrong
and I am right.
But I'm always right.
I know my brother
better than my parents.
And when he does well,
he tells me first.
And I like who I am.
I live the life I wnt to.
My life is quiet and
understated.
They know what I do
because they've seen my do it
and not because I've told them.
Except for now.
and done.
yay.
i still have to do calc homework.
and do english.
ze endddd.
thanks for the comments. i want to join some kind of group so other people can read this stuff. i like having my stuff being read.
anyways.
ummm.
anyone who wants a copy of the CD. just. tell me?
nanny. whenever i see you (ie between now and christmas break), i shall give it to you, kay?
that is aaaalll.
okay. the end.
somethingsomething.
i'll post more poems later.
ones i've written earlier and am feeling.
like if i'm in a good mood, i'll post my "mud" one.
it is fantastically amazing.
goodddddd night.
but i thought i'd post a poem i just wrote.
for creative writing.
the prompt was "write a poem bragging about yourself"
i had fun with this one. lol.
I am
Let me tell you something.
I
am
fantastic.
I am brilliant. Clever too.
I breathe Athena's exhale
like common oxygen.
And I can take words and
make them into something
beautiful, like stained glas.
I create characters like
God creates children.
They swim around aimlessly
in my stream of consciousness
until I pluck them out
and sculpt them.
I give them voices, habits,
ideas, dreams, feelings,
freckled shoulders,
crooked noses,
fat wrists, long toes,
blue-golden speckled eyes.
And they live inside me
waiting to be spilt so
brilliantly onto the page.
I am beautiful. Infinitely.
The angels cut locks of
their own hair to weave
onto my blessed head.
God took a bit of that
Colorado sky and put
it right into my eyes.
And I have curves.
And I love them.
I love my waist
and my breasts
and my hips.
I love my stomach
and my ass.
I love my small wrists
and slender neck
and regal collarbones.
I am compassionate. Too much.
I cry for problems that aren't mine.
My arms ache to hold
everyone who has a story.
I know what to say
and when to say it.
Strangers have ripped their souls
open for me when I've listened.
All for me and no one else.
I care for everyone
and anyone.
And sometimes my heart aches
with the weight of it all.
I am a good kid.
I know my place in my house
and I keep to it.
Unless they are wrong
and I am right.
But I'm always right.
I know my brother
better than my parents.
And when he does well,
he tells me first.
And I like who I am.
I live the life I wnt to.
My life is quiet and
understated.
They know what I do
because they've seen my do it
and not because I've told them.
Except for now.
and done.
yay.
i still have to do calc homework.
and do english.
ze endddd.
thanks for the comments. i want to join some kind of group so other people can read this stuff. i like having my stuff being read.
anyways.
ummm.
anyone who wants a copy of the CD. just. tell me?
nanny. whenever i see you (ie between now and christmas break), i shall give it to you, kay?
that is aaaalll.
okay. the end.
somethingsomething.
i'll post more poems later.
ones i've written earlier and am feeling.
like if i'm in a good mood, i'll post my "mud" one.
it is fantastically amazing.
goodddddd night.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
number eight
i really need to do biology.
but here's a quick post.
HC was last night.
and i'm listening to my "when my heart cries" playlist.
guess how it went?
so first up is the list of the songs in the playlist.
and then a poem i wrote about last night.
capri- colbie caillat (this song makes me want to have a baby. really badly)
a modern myth- 30 seconds to mars (incredibly strong)
hate that i love you- rihanna (favorite song of hers)
white flag- dido
rescued- jack's mannequin
wherever you will go- the calling
my immortal- evanescence
i wrote this song- making april
we're so far away- mae
split screen sadness- john mayer (absolutely incredible)
i don't love you- my chemical romance (also incredible)
all of yours- making april
roses and butterflies- making april
it ends tonight- the all-american rejects
everything- lifehouse (gorgeous)
the kill (accoustic)- 30 seconds to mars (incredible. no words for it)
far away- nickelback
chance of a lifetime- mest
center state- the skyriter
smother me- the used (beautiful)
superman- five for fighting
tied together with a smile- taylor swift
when i go down- relient k
chasing cars- snow patrol
easy silence- dixie chicks
inside your heaven- carrie underwood
once in every lifetime- jem
teardrops on my guitar- taylor swift
city of devils- yellowcard
outside- staind
here without you- 3 doors down
wheel- john mayer
starts with goodbye- carrie underwood
too far gone- the all-american rejects
your guardian angel- the red jumpsuit apparatus (fantastically beautiful)
cold as you- taylor swift (story of my lifeeee)
that's where it is- carrie underwood
drops of jupiter- train
brand new day- forty foot echo
beautiful disaster (live)- kelly clarkson
the minstrel's prayer- cartel (amazing)
jesus, take the wheel- carrie underwood
huzzah.
my playlist.
and then the poem i wrote.
because i am insane.
and. bleh.
*sigh*
it's definitely on the verge of being stalker-ish.
but at the same time.
EVERYONE has felt like this.
or i hope so.
Inadequate
My dress matched your shirt
and I swore it was a sign.
I circled myself with others
but always kept an eye on you.
My hips and heart beat for you.
And when you wove through
the masses of raw hearts
and stopped just behind me,
I thought "we" might finally exist.
Your arms were around another
but your back was against mine
and I could feel your every move.
I rolled my hips against you and
you answered back loudly, earnestly.
And I thought that maybe, just maybe
this night might be the magic one.
One that didn't end in tears,
disappointment, inadequacy.
That someone, that he would want
me to bury my face in his neck and
to hide my insecurities in his chest.
That I might be able to brush my
fingertips like a whisper through
the hair at the nape of his neck.
That I could pull someone solid to myself
and feel his warmth and be unafraid.
The song ended and I felt your body leave
mine and I was left with missing coldness.
I never felt you again that night.
My fingers, my neck, my arms, my hips
all craved you again. To hold, to whisper.
To watch your chest rise and fall with mine.
And nothing more simple than that.
You wandered the room the rest of the night
and I stalked you with my eyes and heart.
You were looking, watching for someone.
And I begged for that someone to be me.
Please want me too.
Please end my eternal feelings of inadequacy.
Please save me from myself.
But our gemstone bridges were not enough
to bring you back to me again.
Not this night.
And I wonder now.
If I should give up on you.
Let you fall with the others
who didn't want me either.
And I would if I could.
But the answer of your hips,
your back pressed against mine.
your eyes locked on mine
keep me from snipping you away.
Don't tease me, boy.
But please, love, don't leave me.
but here's a quick post.
HC was last night.
and i'm listening to my "when my heart cries" playlist.
guess how it went?
so first up is the list of the songs in the playlist.
and then a poem i wrote about last night.
capri- colbie caillat (this song makes me want to have a baby. really badly)
a modern myth- 30 seconds to mars (incredibly strong)
hate that i love you- rihanna (favorite song of hers)
white flag- dido
rescued- jack's mannequin
wherever you will go- the calling
my immortal- evanescence
i wrote this song- making april
we're so far away- mae
split screen sadness- john mayer (absolutely incredible)
i don't love you- my chemical romance (also incredible)
all of yours- making april
roses and butterflies- making april
it ends tonight- the all-american rejects
everything- lifehouse (gorgeous)
the kill (accoustic)- 30 seconds to mars (incredible. no words for it)
far away- nickelback
chance of a lifetime- mest
center state- the skyriter
smother me- the used (beautiful)
superman- five for fighting
tied together with a smile- taylor swift
when i go down- relient k
chasing cars- snow patrol
easy silence- dixie chicks
inside your heaven- carrie underwood
once in every lifetime- jem
teardrops on my guitar- taylor swift
city of devils- yellowcard
outside- staind
here without you- 3 doors down
wheel- john mayer
starts with goodbye- carrie underwood
too far gone- the all-american rejects
your guardian angel- the red jumpsuit apparatus (fantastically beautiful)
cold as you- taylor swift (story of my lifeeee)
that's where it is- carrie underwood
drops of jupiter- train
brand new day- forty foot echo
beautiful disaster (live)- kelly clarkson
the minstrel's prayer- cartel (amazing)
jesus, take the wheel- carrie underwood
huzzah.
my playlist.
and then the poem i wrote.
because i am insane.
and. bleh.
*sigh*
it's definitely on the verge of being stalker-ish.
but at the same time.
EVERYONE has felt like this.
or i hope so.
Inadequate
My dress matched your shirt
and I swore it was a sign.
I circled myself with others
but always kept an eye on you.
My hips and heart beat for you.
And when you wove through
the masses of raw hearts
and stopped just behind me,
I thought "we" might finally exist.
Your arms were around another
but your back was against mine
and I could feel your every move.
I rolled my hips against you and
you answered back loudly, earnestly.
And I thought that maybe, just maybe
this night might be the magic one.
One that didn't end in tears,
disappointment, inadequacy.
That someone, that he would want
me to bury my face in his neck and
to hide my insecurities in his chest.
That I might be able to brush my
fingertips like a whisper through
the hair at the nape of his neck.
That I could pull someone solid to myself
and feel his warmth and be unafraid.
The song ended and I felt your body leave
mine and I was left with missing coldness.
I never felt you again that night.
My fingers, my neck, my arms, my hips
all craved you again. To hold, to whisper.
To watch your chest rise and fall with mine.
And nothing more simple than that.
You wandered the room the rest of the night
and I stalked you with my eyes and heart.
You were looking, watching for someone.
And I begged for that someone to be me.
Please want me too.
Please end my eternal feelings of inadequacy.
Please save me from myself.
But our gemstone bridges were not enough
to bring you back to me again.
Not this night.
And I wonder now.
If I should give up on you.
Let you fall with the others
who didn't want me either.
And I would if I could.
But the answer of your hips,
your back pressed against mine.
your eyes locked on mine
keep me from snipping you away.
Don't tease me, boy.
But please, love, don't leave me.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
number seven
i'm listening to my "dance fur realz" playlist.
because. i'm awesome.
let me list the songs for yooou.
because i CAN.
stronger- kayne west (omfgLOVEEEEEEEEE)
carwash (sharktale mix) - Christina Aguliera & Missy Eliot
bouncing off the ceiling (upside down) - A*Teens (omgilovea*teens)
broken hearts parade- good charlotte (probably the best song on the album. my second favorite)
fergalicious - fergie (you know you have this song)
mamma mia- A*Teens
lollipop- mika (MIKAAAAAA!)
come on eileen - dexy's midnight runners (wtfawesomebandname. this is our latin anthem)
shut up and drive- rihanna (iloveher)
ain't no other man - christina aguilera
don't stop the music- rihanna (my favorite of hers. wait, no, second favorite)
i'm better- ashley parker angel (don't hate. he's awesome)
everytime we touch- cascada
breakin' dishes- rihanna
stronger- britney spears (back before she was nuts)
the church of hot addiction- cobra starship (LOVE!GABE!)
oops!... i did it again- britney spears
breakthrough- hope 7
dance, dance- fall out boy
stronger- kayne west (yes. again)
thnks fr th mmrs- fall out boy
grace kelly- mika (BAHLOVESQUEE)
come on over (all i want is you)- christina aguilera
dance floor anthem- good charlotte (MYFAVORITEEE)
girlfriend- avril lavigne (this is so my life story)
umbrella- rihanna
of all the gin joints in all the world- fall out boy
stronger- kanye (yes. again)
candyman- christina aguilera (there's nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm)
suspect- daniel powter (omgmostaddicting song EVER)
the end.
anyways.
tonight's homecoming dance.
got no date.
but i got some frieeends.
it'll be fun.
but if no boys ask me to dance, so help me god.
i will raise hell.
let me ask you
hey
have you heard of my RELIGION?
it's called THE CHURCH OF HOT ADDICTION
we believe.
that god.
has lust.
for everything.
tonight i am the drug you can't deny.
my light is electric.
just let me tell you hey
you gotta get the cobra blessed now.
you're really only selling sex now.
but i can pay the price you charge for what i mean.
because i
i got a nasty new convulsion
and you've already got a notion.
LOVEEEE.
anyways.
so.
staying positive for tonight.
i will actually be genuinely surprised and MAD if i do not get asked to dance.
zanzi and i have made a pact about two certain boys. if one of us asks our boy, the other one will have to ask their boy.
doubt it'll happen.
but hey.
saw my childhood/eternal love last night.
he showed up at the football game.
which was a FANTASTIC surprise. i was SO happy to see him.
it was one of those movie-moments.
and we hugged.
that was fantastic.
he was warm.
and wearing his stupid hat. but. whatever.
i still love him.
we chatted for a bit and then. he kind of went off.
stupid.
and he left without saying goodbye.
that is so typical of my lifeee.
anyways.
i wrote a poem about him.
i'm going to give it to him.
sometime.
i don't know when.
before we go off to college.
he deserves to know how i feel.
and now i shall POST IT!
YAY.
i'm not that innocent.
you see my problem is still
i'm dreaming away
wishing somethingsomething
i cry watching the days.
can't you see i'm a fool in so many ways.
but to lose all my senses.
that is just so typically me.
baby oh.
oops.
i did it again.
i played with your heart.
got lost in the game.
oh baby baby
you think i'm in love.
that i'm sent from above.
i'm not that innocent.
that is not the poem.
it is britney spears.
duh.
and it definitely doesn't describe ANYTHING in my life.
lolololol.
To the boy who will never read this
I've been in love with you since we were three.
And I bet you haven't got a clue.
Today, the sleeve of your forest green polo
pulled up on your dark, sinewy arm and exposed
an inch-long, smooth pink scar-- the only
imperfection you seem capable of bearing.
And I longed to stretch my fingers and brush it.
To feel something that makes you human.
To rub it softly and make it go away
because I feared it might still hurt you.
One night you almost died.
And I thought my world would
shatter into a million little pieces.
And when I saw you that Sunday,
I wanted to throw my arms around
your neck and bury my face in your chest
and never let you leave my sight again.
But I didn't.
And you don't know.
I've wondered if I disappeared...
If I vanished into nothingness.
Would your world shatter?
Or would I roll off your shoulders
like the rain runs off the roof?
You've bruised my heart too many times to count.
And you don't even know.
I could tell you.
But my heart fears the final not of rejection
which you would so assuredly cast down.
It prefers the untouchable wonder of dreams.
Some day, we will both leave this place.
Separate roads, taking us heavens apart.
But you will never be alone.
Because you've taken a piece of me with you.
And I will kneel every night and pray
that you find what you're looking for
and that our paths cross again.
But if they don't.
Stay beautiful.
the end.
because. i'm awesome.
let me list the songs for yooou.
because i CAN.
stronger- kayne west (omfgLOVEEEEEEEEE)
carwash (sharktale mix) - Christina Aguliera & Missy Eliot
bouncing off the ceiling (upside down) - A*Teens (omgilovea*teens)
broken hearts parade- good charlotte (probably the best song on the album. my second favorite)
fergalicious - fergie (you know you have this song)
mamma mia- A*Teens
lollipop- mika (MIKAAAAAA!)
come on eileen - dexy's midnight runners (wtfawesomebandname. this is our latin anthem)
shut up and drive- rihanna (iloveher)
ain't no other man - christina aguilera
don't stop the music- rihanna (my favorite of hers. wait, no, second favorite)
i'm better- ashley parker angel (don't hate. he's awesome)
everytime we touch- cascada
breakin' dishes- rihanna
stronger- britney spears (back before she was nuts)
the church of hot addiction- cobra starship (LOVE!GABE!)
oops!... i did it again- britney spears
breakthrough- hope 7
dance, dance- fall out boy
stronger- kayne west (yes. again)
thnks fr th mmrs- fall out boy
grace kelly- mika (BAHLOVESQUEE)
come on over (all i want is you)- christina aguilera
dance floor anthem- good charlotte (MYFAVORITEEE)
girlfriend- avril lavigne (this is so my life story)
umbrella- rihanna
of all the gin joints in all the world- fall out boy
stronger- kanye (yes. again)
candyman- christina aguilera (there's nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm)
suspect- daniel powter (omgmostaddicting song EVER)
the end.
anyways.
tonight's homecoming dance.
got no date.
but i got some frieeends.
it'll be fun.
but if no boys ask me to dance, so help me god.
i will raise hell.
let me ask you
hey
have you heard of my RELIGION?
it's called THE CHURCH OF HOT ADDICTION
we believe.
that god.
has lust.
for everything.
tonight i am the drug you can't deny.
my light is electric.
just let me tell you hey
you gotta get the cobra blessed now.
you're really only selling sex now.
but i can pay the price you charge for what i mean.
because i
i got a nasty new convulsion
and you've already got a notion.
LOVEEEE.
anyways.
so.
staying positive for tonight.
i will actually be genuinely surprised and MAD if i do not get asked to dance.
zanzi and i have made a pact about two certain boys. if one of us asks our boy, the other one will have to ask their boy.
doubt it'll happen.
but hey.
saw my childhood/eternal love last night.
he showed up at the football game.
which was a FANTASTIC surprise. i was SO happy to see him.
it was one of those movie-moments.
and we hugged.
that was fantastic.
he was warm.
and wearing his stupid hat. but. whatever.
i still love him.
we chatted for a bit and then. he kind of went off.
stupid.
and he left without saying goodbye.
that is so typical of my lifeee.
anyways.
i wrote a poem about him.
i'm going to give it to him.
sometime.
i don't know when.
before we go off to college.
he deserves to know how i feel.
and now i shall POST IT!
YAY.
i'm not that innocent.
you see my problem is still
i'm dreaming away
wishing somethingsomething
i cry watching the days.
can't you see i'm a fool in so many ways.
but to lose all my senses.
that is just so typically me.
baby oh.
oops.
i did it again.
i played with your heart.
got lost in the game.
oh baby baby
you think i'm in love.
that i'm sent from above.
i'm not that innocent.
that is not the poem.
it is britney spears.
duh.
and it definitely doesn't describe ANYTHING in my life.
lolololol.
To the boy who will never read this
I've been in love with you since we were three.
And I bet you haven't got a clue.
Today, the sleeve of your forest green polo
pulled up on your dark, sinewy arm and exposed
an inch-long, smooth pink scar-- the only
imperfection you seem capable of bearing.
And I longed to stretch my fingers and brush it.
To feel something that makes you human.
To rub it softly and make it go away
because I feared it might still hurt you.
One night you almost died.
And I thought my world would
shatter into a million little pieces.
And when I saw you that Sunday,
I wanted to throw my arms around
your neck and bury my face in your chest
and never let you leave my sight again.
But I didn't.
And you don't know.
I've wondered if I disappeared...
If I vanished into nothingness.
Would your world shatter?
Or would I roll off your shoulders
like the rain runs off the roof?
You've bruised my heart too many times to count.
And you don't even know.
I could tell you.
But my heart fears the final not of rejection
which you would so assuredly cast down.
It prefers the untouchable wonder of dreams.
Some day, we will both leave this place.
Separate roads, taking us heavens apart.
But you will never be alone.
Because you've taken a piece of me with you.
And I will kneel every night and pray
that you find what you're looking for
and that our paths cross again.
But if they don't.
Stay beautiful.
the end.
Monday, October 8, 2007
number six
so. i feel like typing lyrics.
because they're kind of describing a certain situation i've been in for awhile.
long story short:
girl meets boy.
girl thinks boy's a punk. but a cute punk.
boy flirts with girl.
girl likes boy more.
boy likes girl more.
girl and boy spend time together.
girl falls hard.
boy decides to ignore girl after a few days.
girl gets feelings hurt.
boy likes girl's friends.
girl's friend like boy.
girl gets more hurt.
girl tries to be friend with boy.
boy shuns attempts.
girl aches.
boy doesn't seem to care.
girl gets over boy.
but girl still feels attached to boy.
i love taylor swift.
you have a way of coming easily to me.
and when you take, you take the very best of me.
so i start a fight
because i need to feel something.
you do what you want because i'm not what you wanted.
oh what a shame.
what a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say.
now i'm sitting here thinking it through,
i've never been anywhere cold as you.
you put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey.
and i stood there loving you and wished them all away.
and you come away with a great little story.
of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.
oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
just walk away. no use defending words you will never say.
now that i'm sitting here thinking it through,
i've never been anywhere cold as you.
you never did give a damn thing, honey.
but i cried, cried for you.
and i know you wouldn't have told nobody if i died,
died for you.
died for you.
oh what a shame.
what a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
every smile you fake is so condescending.
counting all the scars you made.
now that i'm sitting here thinking it through,
i've never been anywhere cold as you.
words don't even describe how perfectly this song fits.
basically.
the bold/italized especially.
a;skldjfkldj.
life.
because they're kind of describing a certain situation i've been in for awhile.
long story short:
girl meets boy.
girl thinks boy's a punk. but a cute punk.
boy flirts with girl.
girl likes boy more.
boy likes girl more.
girl and boy spend time together.
girl falls hard.
boy decides to ignore girl after a few days.
girl gets feelings hurt.
boy likes girl's friends.
girl's friend like boy.
girl gets more hurt.
girl tries to be friend with boy.
boy shuns attempts.
girl aches.
boy doesn't seem to care.
girl gets over boy.
but girl still feels attached to boy.
i love taylor swift.
you have a way of coming easily to me.
and when you take, you take the very best of me.
so i start a fight
because i need to feel something.
you do what you want because i'm not what you wanted.
oh what a shame.
what a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say.
now i'm sitting here thinking it through,
i've never been anywhere cold as you.
you put up walls and paint them all a shade of grey.
and i stood there loving you and wished them all away.
and you come away with a great little story.
of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.
oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
just walk away. no use defending words you will never say.
now that i'm sitting here thinking it through,
i've never been anywhere cold as you.
you never did give a damn thing, honey.
but i cried, cried for you.
and i know you wouldn't have told nobody if i died,
died for you.
died for you.
oh what a shame.
what a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
every smile you fake is so condescending.
counting all the scars you made.
now that i'm sitting here thinking it through,
i've never been anywhere cold as you.
words don't even describe how perfectly this song fits.
basically.
the bold/italized especially.
a;skldjfkldj.
life.
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